


If Memory Serves.

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-06-02
Updated: 1999-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-10 22:34:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11136027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: This story is a sequel toRemembrance of Things Past..





	If Memory Serves.

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

If Memory Serves...

# If memory serves....

All right then. I have finally capitulated! I'm bowing down to the pressure and the heart-rending pleas! ;-) For everyone who wanted a sequel to 'Rememberence of Things Past', here it is. Talk about pressure! You guys just never let up do you?! ;-) Thanks to everyone who wrote in with their comments and to Angela, thanks for the plot suggestion. I'm sorry I couldn't make it work! I hope this serves as a decent sequel. It's not easy writing something to follow that first part.(especially when it was *not* supposed to have a sequel and I therefore never should have had to think about it!) 

Disclaimer: Due South and all its characters are property of Alliance. No profit will be made from this, and there is no copyright infringement intended. All errors are mine as are character dissections, so the quarrel will be with me and not them. 

**Warning: m/m content. Angst. No sex.... I think. Sappy. And yes, there is a happy ending! :-) I still have no clue about this rating business. Should I rate this? Well, I think, unless told to the contrary, that this deserves no more than a PG-13 (Just to be safe!)**

If you think this makes an okay sequel or even if you think it sucks, please let me know at. That was the only way I knew that you wanted a sequel anyway, so, never underestimate the power of feedback and criticism! Oh, and thanks to Audrey for coming up with a title for this. 

# If memory serves....

by Hsu-Lyn Yap 

"Here is the information you asked for, these are the license plate numbers, here is your afternoon mail, and this," a paper bag was placed on top of the teetering pile of papers and files. "This is your salami on rye. Anything else I can get you, Your Eminence?" 

"No, Elaine. Thank you." Ray held out a hand to take the paper bag, but ignored the pile of files in the in-tray. 

The petite Civilian Aide flashed him a worried look. She was not used to this polite side of Ray. Admittedly, she liked it, but it was not Ray. Ray was the blustery, impatient, wise-cracking, smart-ass cop. Not this quiet, polite....stranger. He had been acting different ever since Fraser transferred back up North. It could not have been the accident. He had come back to work from the accident, the same Ray who had left. But two months into that, Fraser had left. She missed the Mountie, of course. Everyone knew how she had a *thing* for him. Everyone had teased her about it, including Ray. Oh, and everyone had known about Fraser and Ray, of course. It had been unspoken, but it was understood. And even she had to admit that they made a sweet couple. 

So, what was this about Ray not remembering Fraser? It was so weird! Fraser had always looked so devastated everytime he mentioned something that had happened, and that Ray did not remember. She did not blame the poor guy for leaving. He probably had to, or he would have gone stark raving mad! 

"Is there anything else, Elaine?" Ray had caught her staring. 

"Sorry. No, Ray." She turned to go. Then, something made her pause and turn around again. If no one was going to take the initiative, *she* would! "Ray, I have to talk to you. Wanna have lunch?" 

Ray raised an eyebrow and indicated the sandwich in his hand and the piles of files littering his desk. "I *am* having lunch, Elaine. And I have loads to catch up on." 

"Please, Ray? Just half an hour, I promise." 

Ray looked at the dry sandwich again and nodded. "Okay. Where are we going?" 

******** 

"So, how's Fraser?" she asked nonchalantly as they waited for their lunch to be served. 

Ray looked out the window of the diner. He shrugged. "Okay, I guess." 

"Have you heard from him, recently?" 

He did not answer for a moment. His eyes were faraway. Had he heard from him? What sort of question was that? Of course he had not heard from him! He couldn't very well *hear* from someone who had no telephone, could he?! And did one postcard count? One postcard from Moosonee, wherever *that* was! That was the last he had heard from him. The last time in nearly a year now. 

"He's been moving around a bit, Elaine." He evaded the question. Well, that was what the Consulate had told him when he had last asked. He tried not to go by the Consulate anymore. He did not know why, but it made him sad just driving by it, seeing the Maple Leaf fluttering from the flag pole. It probably had something to do with Fraser. Something he could not remember. 

And yet, how did you miss someone you hardly knew? 

"I hope he's well." She eyed him carefully. 

"I'm sure he is." He said curtly, drawing himself back to the present. Snap out of it, Vecchio! You have a life to lead, and so does he! He's probably 

stuck out in the wilderness of Canada somewhere, saving some caribou's life, helping the Inuit and catching game poachers. He does not have time to write! 

"I miss him, sometimes." She pressed on, wondering what he was going to say to that. Any flippant comment would be a blatant lie. Only one sort of people in her experience went around moony-eyed, thoughtful, listless and with no appetite. Well, two, actually. One was the sort who were ill and waiting to die. The other was not that far behind. They were the ones in love. Elaine knew all about that. She was a classic example of the latter, romantic that she was. And Ray was exhibiting all signs of it. 

"Do you miss him, Ray?" 

He flashed her a look that was faintly irritated. "How can I miss someone that I don't even know?" 

"But you know him, Ray." 

"I don't. I lost my memory, remember?" his lips twisted in a bitter smile. "Oh, God! I *hate* that word!" 

"Memory?" 

"No, 'remember'. Benny said it all the time and I....." He stopped, taking a deep breath. Benny. It had been so long since he had even said that name aloud. It felt good, surprisingly. 

"Benny...." He said it again thoughtfully, rolling it around on his tongue, tasting the familiar, yet unfamiliar name. It felt like it belonged, like it was a part of him. It felt....comfortable. 

"I guess, I have missed him." He admitted quietly. "I still don't understand why he had to go. He said he was transferred. I think he *asked* for the transfer." He voiced his to date, unspoken fears. And once he started, there was no stopping it. It felt good to talk to someone about it, even if it *was* Elaine. He did not need her to understand. There were still so many things that he himself did not understand. He just needed her to listen. 

And that was what Elaine had been waiting for. 

".....I don't know why I feel like this, Elaine. It's...." he gave an embarrassed laugh. "It's irrational at best. I mean, I know we were best friends, and everyone says that we were partners, strange as that sounds. And, I haven't seen or heard from him in about a year. Yet, I... I don't know. I guess I feel like there is more to it, you know? If he had stayed, there might have been more." He looked down at his untouched lunch. 

"But, Elaine, I don't know what is the 'more' I am looking for." The green eyes were clouded with confusion as they looked up at her. "I don't know what it is I want. What was it like before I got shot, Elaine? Was there anything else between Benny and me?" 

"I don't know what you mean, Ray." Elaine remained intentionally vague. She did not want to tell him what there had been. He had to remember. Or at the very least, try to admit his feelings to himself. It would not be easy for him, but she was not there to make it easy. She was just there to help him see the truth for what it was. 

"You do know, Elaine. Everyone knows! There is something that everyone's hiding from me!" Ray glared at her and pushed his plate away. His appetite was gone. 

"We aren't hiding anything from you, Ray. What are *you* hiding from yourself?" 

"I'm not...." he stopped short. Elaine was right. Dare he admit it to himself? Dare he say the words aloud? Dare he even *think* them? 

Dare he admit that what he was feeling for Benny was love? 

************************ 

He sat quietly by the hole in the ice, wrapped in a fur parka. The soft fur tickled his nose, prompting a sneeze. He sniffed and glanced at the rude rod and line parked by the hole. It was still. 

Picking it up, he raised it to check the hook. Nothing. He placed it back in the dark water and hugged himself again. It was freezing! He was warmly wrapped up, but warmth was relative. He would be 'warm' were he dressed the way he was, and sitting in the log cabin before the roaring fire. *That* was warm. This was, at best, 'not too cold'. All it did was to protect him from freezing to death on the lake. 

The snowy white bundle by his side moved and peeped his nose out into the frosty air, and immediately tucked it back into his tail again. No way was he going out there! 

"The city's made you soft, Dief." The man laughed softly, ruffling the wolf's fur. His only answer was an indignant whine from deep within that furry bundle. 

"Yeah, I know. I miss it too, sometimes." He sighed. "But look at us now. Fresh clean air, beautiful surroundings, peace and quiet. Is there anything more you can ask for?" 

*Yes, like jelly donuts!* the wolf uncurled his tail from his face long enough to fix an amber eye on his adopted master. 

"No, don't complain! I told you they were bad for you!" he admonished. "Anyway, what better way to spend a Sunday afternoon than fishing?" 

The wolf's mouth opened wide in a yawn, and if he could smack his lips, he would. Unfortunately, he had no lips to smack, but that was not the point. The point was that he was bored! Sunday. What would he be doing on a Sunday 

in Chicago? 

*Eating!!* that was his first thought. All those wonderful, delicious food at the American's house. *Yum!* his mouth watered just remembering them. *Oh yeah! And the brats!* But Dief would endure anything, even the humiliation of giving piggy-back rides, just to taste again the Sunday roast at the Vecchios'. He gave a little, wistful whine. 

"I know, Dief." Fraser laid a gloved hand on his wolf tenderly. He looked over the sparkling white expense of snow and ice, seeing the beauty and wanting to find someone to share it with. No, he wanted one particular someone to share it with. 

"I miss him too, Dief." He sighed. The line still had not moved. 

He allowed himself to dwell on the events of the past few years. The last few years he had spent in Chicago, especially in the company of one particularly prickly and jaded cop. He knew he had always been a source of much confusion and speculation in the 27th Precinct Office. What on earth was a Mountie doing in the Precinct? And helping a Chicago cop at that! 

"Have you nothing better to do than to hang around helping us solve crimes?" Lt. Welsh had asked him that question once. 

His answer then as it was now, was "No, sir!" 

Of course, he had his own reasons for hanging out at the Precinct. One of them was his inherent compulsion to do good. The other was a living breathing man for whom he had come to respect and eventually, love. 

Both reasons kept him at the precinct, and he suspected that the Lieutenant had suspected the latter reason before he had worked it out for himself. That had probably been why Ray had never been assigned an official partner from the Precinct. Most... in fact, ALL detectives had their own partners. Ray had been the only odd one out with a Mountie for a partner... and an unofficial partner at that! 

He knew Lt. Welsh never really understood the strange relationship Fraser had with Ray and the Precinct. It was strange, yes. But it was also effective. Between the two, they had managed to solve most of the major crimes in the area. True. A few of them had been by accident. And Ray, of course, had not been the most willing of partners. But they still managed to apprehend the criminals everytime. 

Admittedly, the main reason he had started helping Ray was a selfish one. He had always been a hands-on kind of policeman. It seemed strange to think of him as a 'policeman'. But that was what he was. Royal Canadian Mounted Police. That made him a policeman, all right! 

In the North, he had been in his element. Solving crimes was his passion. He loved pitting his wits and abilities against those of the criminals. Some were sloppy and were apprehended quickly. They were the small fry. The amateurs. He refused to waste much time on them. Others were more challenging. They laid false trails, they ran, and they hid. But equipped with the survival skills he had learnt from the Inuit, Fraser ran them down everytime. It was the thrill of the chase, the hunt, the primal urge that drove him to be one of the best in the Northwest Territories. 

And then he had come to Chicago. The first time scared him half to death. The big city. One of the biggest he had ever been to. THE biggest in fact! And it was not even his own country! He had been awkward and apprehensive. And then, he had met Ray. Detective Armani. That first encounter always made him smile. 

After that one case of his father's murder, he had returned up North, only to be told that it was best that he remained in Chicago. He had been hurt. Of course he had been hurt. "You turned in one of your own." The Superintendent had told him. 

What about Gerard? He *killed* one of their own! He killed his father! Was that not worse than 'turning in one of their own'? But he had remained silent. He was not prone to insubordination, and he was not about to start. That was how he had ended up in Chicago a second time. Ray had been incredulous. 

"You have been chucked out of your own country?!" he had exclaimed in that excitable way of his. "You mean a whole country threw you out?" 

"No, Ray. They just thought I should lay low for a while, until the excitement dies down. After all, I did turn in one of our own men." 

"Hey! He killed your father. I think that is justifiable enough." Ray had said stubbornly. It was one of the nicest things anyone had said to him for a long, long time. He had never told Ray that. Ray would probably have forgotten it by now. But he had always remembered. 

Consulate duty had never been his scene. Sitting at a desk all day, pen-pushing... it was not what he did best. What he did best was track criminals, and apprehend them. In Ray, he had found the solution. It had started out a selfish reason. But in time, he had come to enjoy it. To enjoy Ray's company; to learn that behind that prickly facade lay a self-doubting and vulnerable person; to respect his inherent impulsiveness which held him back from being a better cop; to appreciate his existential 

honesty, and eventually, to love him for it. 

And then, one day, his world had come crashing down about his ears. There had been one case. It should have been a normal bust. But Ray had gotten hurt. And when he recovered, he no longer remember Fraser. The pain lingered even after all this time. 

Fraser had returned North. He had hated running away. Hated the cowardliness of it. He had tried living without Ray for a few months. But he hurt everytime he looked at the man, and saw nothing in those beautiful green eyes. No recognition, no reciprocity of feelings.... nothing. He could not stand it any longer. They could have been friends. Started again. But Fraser was impatient. He wanted him to remember, so they could be what they used to be again. Friends, partners and lovers. He wanted to be able to talk without having to say "Remember?" every few words. He wanted to be able to touch him in their familiar way, he wanted..... that was why he had left. The wanting had gotten more than the giving. He had started to hate himself for pushing Ray. And when the self-loathing had hit its peak, he had left. He had to protect his own sanity. 

It had been nearly one year now. No phone calls for he had never installed one of those contraptions, no letters for he had never known what to say, no news for he could never bring himself to find out anything about the city that had been second home to him. He had moved a lot. Gone to the big cities in Canada. Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal, Vancouver...even back to Moose Jaw. But he had finally settled back in the Northwest Territories where he felt most at home in the wilderness. He rebuilt his father's cabin and re-established himself in the RCMP. Evidently, the hostile situation that had forced him to Chicago a second time was no longer there. Either that, or they had finally seen it the way he did. 

Fraser was back in his homeland. Back in his home. Sitting out there, alone in the wilderness simply drove home the point. He was home, but he was just as lonely as he had been when he left it all those years ago. 

**************************** 

A woman with dark hair....... a train.......a gun.......gunshots.......hospital.....a man.......blue eyes.... deep blue eyes........ 

Bruises......basketball......Frank Zuko......a man....lying on the ground......beaten up......revenge......past..... present...... 

Woods..... plane crash......grubs.......yuck!......carrying a man......water......a bola...... a bola?!........ 

A bank.....robbers.......vault......money.....water.......water!....drowning.. ..that man!....again!.......... 

Bombs........heartbeat........BOMBS!........Hmmmmm......... 

Train......bomb........Musical Ride......Mounties......Horses........Red Serge.... 

Red Serge......Stetson.......that smile......those eyes......a voice.... 

*You make no sense, Ray!* 

*That's just silly, Ray.* 

*You know, the Inuit have a story.......* 

*Stay with me, Ray. Don't die! Please don't die, Ray!!* 

"Fraser? Fraser!" 

"FRASER!!" Ray's eyes flew open. He automatically reached over for the comforting figure on the other side of the bed. His hand encountered cool emptiness. 

Where was he? Ray looked about him, shaking away his feeling of disorientation. He was used to his lover leaving the bed in the middle of the night. But this time, there was no imprint of his body. No familiar warm scent. The bed was cool and he was alone. 

He sat up slowly. He was in his bedroom at home. There were the familiar curtains at the window, the familiar clutter that was his bedroom. He remembered another room. A room which was much barer than his was. The bed much narrower, the room much colder. 

And in that room, he remembered another person. A man. With him. In bed. Dark wavy hair, deep blue eyes, a smile that was sometimes confident, and at other times shy and uncertain. He remembered being exasperated, being bewildered, being angry.....being loved. 

What was he thinking? Who was 'he'?! He shook his head again, dispelling the mists of sleep. 

"A nightmare again. Oh God!" he laid his head down on his knees wearily. These nightmares were disturbing his normal sleep pattern. It was getting to the extent that he was starting to be afraid to go to bed. Afraid that the nightmares would take hold of him again, and throw him into the confusion he was feeling now. What was this about a man? And who was his lover? 

The images from his dream were starting to fade, but he still sat there, hugging his knees. He sat in the dark, with only the moonlight streaming through the window for company. He should switch on the bedside lamp. Banish the troubling nightmares he had been having. But he did not. He had to remember. 

The nightmares replayed themselves in his head. There had to be logic in there. There had to be some common thread. What was it that linked something as bizarre as bombs, trains and grubs? There had to be something! 

The last exclamation rang through his mind again. Fraser. That had to be the missing link. Fraser....... only one person he knew was called Fraser. 

But, Fraser was Benny and Benny was Fraser. How did the stalwart, honest Mountie he remembered fit into the cycle of his dreams? And what was this about his lover? Well, yeah. He had tried the idea that he loved him, on for size and personally, it felt just right. But what was this memory about being in bed with him? Was that what they had been? Lovers? Was that what had been niggling at the back of his mind? Was that the 'more' that he had sensed in their relationship? Anyway, was it possible to love someone you hardly knew and never saw? 

He closed his eyes. Jumbled memories came back to him. 

"Stop that, Fraser!" 

"Eww! That is disgusting! Don't put that in your mouth!" 

"Fraser! I'm drowning on dry land!" 

"I can't do this, Benny." 

"Love you, Benny." 

Benny.... Some of the memories were slowly trickling back. 

"Excuse me. I'm looking for a Detective Armani." When was that? Oh boy! It seemed like ages ago! A Mountie. A case about dentists, and a dead Mountie. His father! That's right. That's when he first saw him. 

A bomb in Chinatown. He was leaving. Canada. Yukon. Snow. Dog sled. Log cabin. Explosion. 

Benny..... Fraser. Benton Fraser..... Ray raised his head slowly, his eyes widening with each memory. That was the missing link! Benny! Once the dam broke, there was no stopping the flood that threatened to overwhelm him. 

Benton Fraser. Mountie extraordinaire. His best friend. His unofficial partner. And yes, he finally remembered, his lover. But...... 

Benny had left. After all the years in Chicago, all the cases they had solved, everything they had gone though, Benny had left. Why? 

Ray remembered the day at the airport like it was a dream. There was Fraser, ready to leave, but ready to stay if Ray would just say the words. As if from a distance, he saw himself looking confused and bewildered by the conflicting emotions in him. He had wanted Benny to stay. He had wanted that so badly. Then again, he had not known why. And he knew it would not be fair on Fraser. Fraser deserved better. He deserved someone who would know him, who would remember what they had gone through, what they had shared. He did not blame Benny for leaving. Never that. 

Ray had let him go, and then, watched the plane leave, feeling stupid and sorry for himself. He had not understood why. They were just friends, weren't they? Albeit good friends, but people left and you got to meet other people. Wasn't that how life worked out? 

No, not when it was Benny. Not when they shared what they had. Not when you love someone the way he loved Benny. 

Why had he made it his responsibility to watch out for the Mountie? He met lots of people every day. Most of them needed some protecting in some way or another. Why not them? What had he seen in Benny that had made him react the way he had? 

Maybe he had seen a bit of himself reflected in the strong, silent, yet a little insecure man. They both hid their real selves behind facades. He chose his to be a wall of thorns. He was the wise-cracking, street-wise, smart-ass cop. Benny had chosen reticence, enforced naivet, and a cool shield of politeness. But inside they were both insecure, both stubborn and both sensitive. 

What appeared to be opposites were in fact, similarities. Maybe that was what brought them together. Ray had never minded Benny tagging along with him on his cases. He welcomed it, and in time, took it for granted. No one ever questioned his decision. No one dared. Lt. Welsh...... well, if he wanted to complain, he should have issued him with a partner, shouldn't he? He hadn't, and so, Ray had unofficially chosen his own. He was a detective. He was entitled to a partner! 

And life with Fraser had certainly not been dull! His car....his precious car....had been blown up twice. He had been nearly blown to bits, he had been nearly drowned... Nearly. That was the key-word. He knew he had to be crazy sometimes, when he followed Fraser on his wild schemes. But they always got their man, didn't they? The old Mountie adage was true after all. When it came to Fraser anyway. He always got his man. 

And he had certainly gotten to Ray. Ray had seen the women throwing themselves at him, watched them bat their eyelashes at him and try to catch his attention. Even his own sister was not immune! And Ray had laughed at them. Laughed at them all for their silliness and for their wasted efforts. Until he had found himself in their position. Oh, he had never succumbed to such crass and blatant displays to get his attention. But when he had found himself staring into those blue orbs, or watching his smile, he had known that he was hopelessly caught. Benny had that sort of effect on people. 

Going from best friend to lover was a small step to take. Yet, it was the biggest and most life-altering decision he had had to make. First, it had involved the abandonment of all his beliefs. Then, it had been the fear of disappointing his mother. But neither of those had stopped him. It had been his decision to make, and Ray had made his mind up firmly for once. And to his surprise, the opposition had not turned out to be as strong as he had anticipated. Or had he finally done something for himself that he was prepared to fight for and defend? 

He remembered the day he had gotten shot although not the actual moment. He remembered the look of concern in the blue eyes looking down at him. The concern, worry and above all, love. It was a memory that he would carry with him to his grave. 

Ray wiped his damp eyes. Benny must have gone through hell. Ray remembered the looks of pain Benny had tried to hide from him in the hospital and after. The pain that flashed across his face everytime Ray did not remember something they had shared. Ray understood now. He would have reacted the same way were he in Benny's shoes. 

In fact, he had been in Benny's shoes for a little while. Benny had lost his memory as well once. It had been brief, and it had been total amnesia, not like Ray's. But he had not remembered Ray. And Ray had been devastated, even though he had hidden it, and hidden it well. He knew how Benny felt, and he was sorry. So sorry! 

He had to make it up to him somehow. He had to find him. He had to go to Canada. 

************************ 

"What's that, Dief?" Fraser looked over at his wolf. Dief was scratching at the door in agitation, making little whines of what sounded like pleasure, yet frustration. 

Fraser was worried. He had not antagonised anyone this time. He was sure of that. And he was not expecting any visitors. Dief was in a frenzy now. It was hard to tell what he was trying to say. Fraser reached for his shotgun, just in case. 

There was a thump at the door. It could be a knock, if that was what it was. Dief was going crazy! Fraser gave his wolf another worried glance, and cocked the gun. Then, he flung the door open. 

As if in a dream, or a weird time warp, he found himself staring at a man, bundled up in a bulky snowsuit, snow goggles covering half his face. But there was no mistaking that grin. 

"Ray?" he lowered the gun, still staring. 

"Hey, Benny. Are you going to invite me in or am I supposed to freeze my butt off out here?!" That had to be Ray! 

Fraser opened the door wider, still looking stunned. Dief was prancing around Ray, barking his head off with joy. 

"Well, Ray. This is a surprise." Fraser finally managed to get out. 

"It was meant to be. You still haven't got a phone, I see? Do you know how hard it was to track you down? Moved around a lot, didn't you?" 

"Well, I ...." Fraser began but was interrupted in a very familiar fashion. 

"You did a good job of rebuilding this place, Fraser. Looks almost like the one I blew up!" Ray glanced around the cabin approvingly. 

"Thank you, Ray. I... you remember what it used to look like?" Fraser stared at the grinning Ray. 

"When you blow up your friend's cabin, you tend to remember these things." Ray grinned and winked. "That's not all I remember, Benny." 

"What do you mean, Ray?" 

"I mean, I remember everything now, Benny. I remember when I got shot, I remember us coming to rebuild this place, but never getting here, I remember being in the vault, I remember you making me blow up the Riv, I remember us being partners and best friends, and I remember......" Ray looked directly into the blue eyes that were now wide-eyed with amazement, but with a little shadow where joy should be. Ray didn't blame him. After all that he had gone through... ... 

"I remember you, Benny. I remember what we used to be, and I remember what we were for each other. I remember everything." Ray concluded softly. The unspoken hung in the air. Could they go back to the way they used to be? Had anything changed between them? Had his memory lapse affected their relationship in any way? Was there....someone else? 

Fraser did not know what to say. What could he say? He was happy. Overjoyed. Relieved. The pain was gone. He was whole again. But all that he could say, rather dazedly was, "I don't think they have filled the position of Deputy Liaison Officer in the Chicago Consulate yet, Ray." 

Not exactly the answer he was looking for, but it told him all he needed to know. "No, Benny. I don't think they have." Ray laughed, and finally bridged the distance between them, leaning in for the inevitable kiss. The contact was electric. 

*Oh God! Finally!* Fraser kissed him back eagerly, hungrily. Ray was stunned for a moment at the intensity of feelings, but not for long. The pent-up frustrations of the past year bubbled up, manifesting themselves in the urgent demands of them both to try to get even closer, if it were physically possible. There was just one significant barrier. 

Fraser pulled back reluctantly. Was the room suddenly much hotter or was it just him? He felt flushed, and he was sure that Ray felt the same. He *looked* flushed, anyway, but oh, so desirable! with his green eyes, dark and smoky with passion and desire. There was just one thing..... Fraser passed a critical eye over the bulky snowsuit, and gave a thoughtful frown. 

"Would you like me to help you out of that, Ray?" 

Whether or not he consciously remembered it, Ray recalled that the first time he had been in this cabin, Fraser had asked him the very same question. Then, he had simply ignored him. They had more pressing things to attend to then. This time, the only 'pressing thing' they had to attend to was to see if the log cabin could withstand a substantially *different* sort of 'explosion'. He gave a slow smile. The green eyes were familiarly warm and teasing. 

"I was wondering when you'd ever ask, Benny." 

******** 

"Benny?" 

"Hmm...?" 

"Are you asleep?" 

"Hm..." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

"Hm..?" 

"That. What does 'hm' mean?" 

"What are you talking about, Ray?" 

"I asked if you were asleep." 

"Well, not anymore, Ray." 

"Benny?" 

"Yes, Ray?" 

"...........Nothing. Go back to sleep." 

......... 

"Benny?" 

"Hmm...?" 

"Are you asleep?" 

"No, Ray." 

"I've been thinking, Benny. Next time I forget you, can you do me a favour?" 

"Are you thinking of forgetting me again?" 

"Well, if this is the reception I get for remembering....." 

"Don't you dare, Ray!" 

"Okay, but can you do me a favour?" 

"What do you want me to do?" 

"Can you take a gun and shoot me?" 

"I couldn't very well do that, Ray." 

"Why not? Lure me to Canada. Your firearm will be legal here!" 

"No, Ray, that is not the point. If I were to shoot you, I'll never know if you'd remember, one day." 

"You don't know how it felt, Benny. Not knowing who you were, and yet, growing to love you. It was agony. And I'm not even talking about the physical pain! You should do the kindest thing and put me out of my misery." 

"Loving me?" 

"Huh?" 

"You said that you loved me. Before you remembered who I was?" 

"Yes, Benny. It was confusing as hell! I mean, I don't remember this part of things, right? And then, wham! Something like loving you hits me on the head, and I don't know what to do! I mean, I hadn't even seen you for a year." 

"I'm sorry I left, Ray." 

"Why *did* you leave, Benny?" 

"I couldn't let you go, Ray. I was afraid that you'd never remember, and we might never be what we were before. I was, I guess, being selfish." 

"I don't think you were, Benny. If you had been around, I don't know if I'd have been forced to remember anything. We'd just have had to start over." 

"That was another thing I was afraid of. I was afraid that you wouldn't....." 

"That I wouldn't love you?" 

"Not in this way." 

"I guess I understand, Benny." 

"I'm really sorry for leaving, Ray." 

"I know you are, Benny." 

"You don't sound convinced." 

"I am convinced." 

"But you don't *sound* convinced." 

"Benny? I *am* convinced, all right?" 

"Yes, but your tone....." 

"I had no tone." 

"Yes, you did. You had a tone that said you weren't entirely convinced that I was sorry." 

"All right, convince me then!" 

"Really?" 

"Benny, you are incorrigible!" 

....................... 

"Benny?" 

"Hm..?" 

"Nothing." 

........................ 

"Benny?" 

"Hm...?" 

"Are you asleep?" 

"Hm...." 

"I love you, Benny." 

"I love you too, Ray." 

"Hey! I thought you were asleep!" 

"Not anymore, Ray." 

"Oh! What's that!" 

"Light, Ray." 

"I *know* it's light. What is light like that doing outside your window?" 

"It's the Aurora Borealis or more commonly known as the Northern Lights, Ray. Well, they have it in the southern hemisphere as well, where it's known as Aurora Australis or the Southern Lights. It's a common phenomenon in the North when....mmph!" 

"You talk too much, Benny." 

"It is a luminous, electrical phenomenon, caused when the....mmph!" 

"Hey! You are doing it on purpose just so I'd kiss you!" 

"Oh, darn!" 

"I never thought you'd be so sneaky! You just had to ask!" 

"Kiss me, Ray?" 

"See, nothing to it!" 

"Ray, how about ........................?" 

"Benny, you are incorrigible! If I didn't love you...." 

"But you do, Ray." 

"Yes, Benny, unfortunately.....or is it fortunately? I do!" 

"Fortunately, for me, Ray." 

"And me too, I guess." 

"You guess?" 

"I'm sure." 

"That's better." 

"I don't remember you being so authoritative, Benny." 

"Shall I refresh your memory, Ray?" 

"That might be a good idea!" 

THE END 

(c) Copyright 1997 

Hsu-Lyn Yap 

tuktoyaktuk@hotmail.com  
\--------------------------------  
NB: Moosonee is situated in Northern Ontario, Canada. YHL  


  



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